


Realization

by Frog_that_writes



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: (its not a big part of the story i just imply it), Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Jonah Beck, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Kinda? Not really, M/M, Panic Attacks, jonah is autistic fight me, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-14 08:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15384684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frog_that_writes/pseuds/Frog_that_writes
Summary: A look into what Cyrus and Jonah's thoughts looked like as they come to realize they like one another, and the thoughts of the people around them.





	1. Cyrus

Cyrus had suspected for some time now that something was wrong with him. While the guys in his class started talking about a pretty girl in the year above them, he was a little too distracted by the guy who had started the conversation to contribute anything. He had realized after a while that he wasn’t really watching panic! at the disco music videos for the music. He understood with startling clarity what Andi was talking about when she took notice to Jonah Beck. Yes, he had decided something was very wrong.

 

He continued telling himself he had no right to these feelings. He heard the insults the high school boys threw at each other, he read the Torah and listened to what his rabbi said in the synagogue once a week. He knew he wasn’t supposed to feel like this.

 

He didn’t focus on it though. He tried to keep his glancing at Jonah to nothing more than a completely platonic level. Because it was. Obviously. There was no reason why he would feel anything but admiration for the older boy, seeing as he  _ was _ a boy. He got a girlfriend and convinced himself he liked it when she had kissed him. Because he should. She was pretty and nice and he was a boy and that’s how these things went. It was how it happened in every movie he had watched and every show he had seen. 

 

He thought he had finally gotten himself over that little phase, because that was what it was, a phase, nothing more, and had nearly managed to convince himself it was his imagination when Jonah Beck invited them to his party. For a brief moment it had looked like Jonah had turned his smile that could give the sun a run for its money in his direction. But that was crazy. He had just glanced his way after smiling at Andi. He had realized later, sometime after Buffy had put him back down, that he probably shouldn’t have tried to stick around. Andi liked Jonah. Jonah probably liked Andi. They should have their space,. He tried to desperately ignore the sinking feeling in his chest that thought gave him. He had no right to feel that way.

 

He felt happy for a horrible second when Andi had said she wasn’t going to the party but tried to shake off that feeling. He was being a horrible friend lately and he silently promised himself he would be as supporting as possible for Andi from here on out. She was obviously going to start dating Jonah, and he wasn’t going to let his problem get in the way of that. He had no reason not to. He tried to convince her to go along with Buffy and convinced himself he was grateful when Bex eventually did what they had been trying to do over text for the past hour. She showed up at the party and her dress was pretty and she had even put on a little make-up. And when Jonah began to hype up the final award he turned to Andi with Buffy and even added a comment about how it was definitely her. He was happy for her.

 

When Jonah announced his name Cyrus didn’t even try to hide his surprise. Going up to get the t-shirt was quite likely the best feeling he had ever experienced. He felt the wall he had slowly been trying to build up to distance himself from his feelings start to break down.  

 

After the party was over Cyrus tried to hide how hurt he was over Jonah asking to talk to Andi alone. 

 

Watching Andi and Jonah get together was not supposed to be painful. When he realized there was no way he could hide that he was not "so insanely happy" he moved on to trying to tell himself he liked Andi. That lasted for about 5 minutes before he knew there was no way he could convince himself that that was what was going on. That left him square out of options. He had to admit it.

Cyrus liked Jonah. 

 

Rather than feeling relieved like he probably should have, Cyrus was even more upset now. He had no idea what to do with this new knowledge, except that he had to tell someone. Andi was out, because, besides from the fact he had no idea how she’d react, it was her boyfriend he liked. If Andi was a no then Jonah was never even an option. He wasn't sure if he could handle having his crush (and man, did it feel weird to acknowledge Jonah as his crush) call him disgusting, or whatever it is straight boys did when guys got a crush on them. Guess he wouldn’t know, considering he was apparently not straight.

 

That left him with Buffy. He spent what felt like forever typing and deleting texts to her, mixed it between taking buzzfeed quizzes he found. He wanted to be sure, obviously. Before he eventually decided that 3 am was probably not the best time to send her a text and resolved to tell her in person tomorrow.  _ At least tomorrow, or today now _ , he guessed  _ was a Saturday _ .

 

He tried to inject as much positivity into his voice as he could when he called Buffy and told her to meet him at The Spoon. It was a narrow thing, him calling it all of and spending the day locked in his room instead but he told himself that if she was going to stop being his friend, might as well do it sooner rather than later. He could just go on pretending like he had before, and never tell anyone about him discovering another thing to add to the list of “reasons why Cyrus is a freak,” but he had never been very good at that. He wore the bad things about himself like a giant, glowing rainbow neon sign. He had to do this.

 

He got there early which was probably a bad idea. It was so tempting to just run out of there, tell Buffy he had gotten sick and that he was sorry. It might not even be a lie, judging by how nauseas he felt. But then Buffy was there and he had to tell her  _ something  _ because she was worried and he hadn't ordered any baby taters and he  _ always  _ orders the baby taters. And he realizes that for all of his nervousness about this he really hadn't planned what to say and he hasn't even really explained it to himself let alone another person.

 

“Last night, at the party, you asked me, ‘am I happy for Andi. And I said ‘yes I'm happy for Andi!’ but I’m also not happy.” He said eventually, trying to think of the easiest way to say it. And he can hear in his own voice how scared he is. Something on his face must show as well because she asks him if he's jealous. All Cyrus can do is nod because this is it. This could be the end of his friendship. 

 

She asks him if he liked Andi and it's the perfect out. He had thought it too at first and it’d be so easy to hide jealous looks if he can pretend he wants to be in Jonah’s spot rather than Andi’s. But he can’t do that. He had gotten this far and he couldn't stop. He shook his head. And Buffy looked confused for all of a second before realization set in. Cyrus was torn between trying to gauge her reaction or staring at the table until she said something.

 

She asked him if he liked Jonah and Cyrus knew at that moment that no matter how she reacted he’d be thankful he didn't have to say it. Having to admit it to himself was bad enough, but having to say it out loud would be near impossible. He had to do something though because right now he was staring at his hands and holding back tears. He nodded. And that was it.

 

Buffy would probably forever be an angel in his eyes. She reassured him and laughed at his horrible attempt to make a joke so the situation wouldn’t seem as grim. She didn’t freak out, or run away, or tell the entire school. The worst thing she did was try to convince him he should tell Andi, which he shut down by telling her that there was no way that was happening. 

 

He didn’t exactly know how to put it, but there was an unmistakable sense of relief there after telling her. It wasn’t like he didn’t still view it as negative, but it no longer felt like the end of the world. Because no matter what happened from here, he still had an amazing friend by his side.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonah's thoughts on the matter of sexuality and relationships.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> detailed description of panic attack, the first and last word of the description is bolded, and you don't have to read it so feel free to skip that bit. Also Jonah is very scared of homophobia in the couple paragraphs before that. stay safe folks

Jonah never really used to consider himself someone who worried a lot. Sure, he got a bit nervous before a test he wasn’t prepared for and didn’t really like giving presentations in class, but he normally tended to live by the rule that things would work themselves out in the end. After all, nothing in his life had ever really been done to disprove that theory. He was a white boy in a nice town that mainly consisted of a few families that all knew each other, plus he was only in middle school. He had yet to experience anything that would sway him from his opinion that everything would be fine at the end of the day.

 

That all changed when he met Amber. At first, he had been oblivious to the fact that she was flirting with him. He thought she was rather pretty and popular and she was a high schooler, so he didn't really consider the possibility that  _ she _ might like  _ him _ . A few of his friends pointed it out to him one day though, when they asked when he was going to start taking advantage of the fact that an insanely pretty high school girl liked him. 

 

He was a little skeptical of that at first, because, well,  why couldn’t she just ask him out herself? But apparently that feel on him as a boy. He got a great deal more teasing from his friends for not realizing that rule that apparently everyone else did. At the end of the day, though, he considered it worth it, because Amber said yes when he asked her out and he officially became the only boy in their class dating a high schooler.

 

Dating Amber didn’t turn out to be that fun though. There was a lot of rules he just couldn’t seem to understand and nothing he ever did seemed to be right to her. When he tried asking his parents for advice they told him that the woman in the relationship is always right and that he should not question her if he wanted an happy life, whatever that meant, so he assumed how she treated him was normal. 

 

He got her belated gifts that he didn’t know he was supposed to get until she yelled at him and talked to her friends who, he realized more quickly than he normally would’ve, were making fun of him and didn’t actually think ultimate was a real sport. He did everything he could to be a good boyfriend. It the end, it apparently wasn’t good enough though. He started realizing that maybe everything wouldn’t be okay at the end of the day when there was a week of Amber giving him the “silent treatment” and him having no idea how to react, or what she wanted him to do, and his parents said something about “hard to get” and his dad said “women am I right?” with the tone that he think meant he was supposed to laugh. He couldn’t manage to make himself actually do it, though.

 

It was another rule that he didn’t get in the end, that finally finished their relationship. But this time he wasn’t even sure if it was him and what Amber constantly referred to as his “general lack of dating etiquette” or if this was something he had no way of knowing about, but either way it was definitely a rule she was quite passionate about. She accused him of liking Andi, a thought that just now occurred to him as even a possibility, and said that he would know for sure if she liked him if she “looked back.” Then, when he looked back, she said he definitely likes Andi. He refrained from pointing out that he had to look back to see if she did, because something told him that wasn’t the whole reason.

 

Then he was breaking up with Amber which felt strangely nice. Everyone around him kept talking about how lucky he was that he had been dating her and he was sure he was going to regret the decision, but he really only felt happiness from knowing he no longer had to spend days worrying about what he had done wrong and spending his allowance on gifts. That probably made him a bad person, Iris told him how upset Amber was and all he felt from the break up was happiness. He couldn’t really bring himself to care.

 

Then, he was throwing a space Otter’s Party and he was aware of the fact that he was treating it partially as a way of talking to Andi and her friends. He didn’t buy into what Amber said about him liking Andi, despite her liking him apparently. He liked her, sure, but only as a friend, and really only as much as he liked Cyrus and Buffy. Okay, maybe he liked Cyrus a little more, but that was only fair considering the two had hung out much more often.

 

When he saw Andi looking purposefully pretty in a nice dress, the thought really only solidified. She was pretty, definitely, but in the same way a rainbow or a flower was. He just didn’t want to date her.

 

When he announced the last award and Cyrus came on stage to get his t-shirt he wasn’t sure he could read the expression on his face. His instincts told him it was a mixture of shock and surprise however, which definitely made Cyrus look adorable and- oh no.  _ Yeah that’s what he had been afraid of _ , he thought pulling back from a hug he had revealed in far too much.

 

The day his relationship with Amber reached it’s long coming end he had told himself he looked back to see if Andi had. He knew, though, that that wasn’t quite true. Some part of him had wanted to look back at the trio even before he talked to Amber. He had wanted to send one last glance over his shoulder at them for reasons he couldn’t explain. He knew he didn’t like Andi and, no offense to Buffy, but she wasn’t exactly his type and that left him square out of option.

 

Or maybe straight out of option was a better term. 

 

Because really, Cyrus was quite cute in a dorky sort of way. He played along with all of Jonah’s dumb nicknames and even gave one back, and he was so unapologetically himself that Jonah couldn’t help but be jealous as he watched him mime out scenes in tater tots at The Spoon while expertly ignoring the jocks barely concealed snickering. And his eyes were just such a pretty shade of brown- yeah he should probably commence operation let Andi down gently.

 

That consisted of a few words after the party, returning the bracelet and assuring Andi he considered he a really great friend but wasn’t quite open to date, though not exactly in those terms. He failed to notice that Andi looked excited and happy rather than sad and let down. He had always been bad at reading expressions after all.

 

It was only when he was in the safety in his room, clock reading midnight and him thanking the stars he had managed to have the party on a friday and not a school night which had originally been planned, that the question popped into his head. Was he gay?

 

Well that didn’t really seem right. He didn’t exactly fit stereotypes of what gay guys were like, and he had originally liked Amber before they started dating and Emma Watson exists. But he didn’t think he was straight either because Cyrus had the prettiest eyes and Daniel Radcliffe exists, and okay yeah he may be a bit of a Harry Potter fan.

 

He wasn’t sure there was a word for that. People who weren’t straight but weren't gay either. His knowledge of gay people entirely came from insults he heard guys who wore too much axe and never washed hair hair yell and vague words of tolerance from the teachers who were being required to speak at assembly. So he did what any sensible teenager would be in the 21st century would do. He googled it in an incognito tab.

 

_ Bisexual.  _ Nearly two hours of searching through lists of terms, and buzzfeed quizzes, and tumblr posts that were half comprised of words he had never heard of, and this word was the fruit of his labors. Bisexual. It fit nicely with him, he decided, after mouthing the word to himself in the mirror a few times. I am bisexual. I am bi. It felt right, to have a term for it. A new problem was slowly occurring to him though as he read through old LGBT (one of those new buzz words he added to his dictionary today) chat forums. Coming out.

 

He was aware of the fact that he obviously liked Cyrus. He probably had for a while. But Cyrus was probably straight, he has that thing with Iris, after all. His family was also extremely religious. Granted he didn’t really know if Jewish and Christian people were different in that regard, but a quick google search reveals that both the Torah and Bible did indeed have that specific passage. So he probably wouldn’t be very happy about finding out another guy has a crush on him.

 

Telling Andi would just be cruel, considering he just turned her down a few hours ago, and regardless of how she would react he didn’t want to do that to her.

  
He didn’t know Buffy that well, he didn’t have any close friends in his class, and the mere prospect of coming out to his parents right now is horrifying. Even just thinking about it caused his breath to hitch and his vision to go black around the edges. **He** starts hyperventilating, stuck on the thought train of imagining his parents freaking out and sending him to some religious summer camp or even just kicking him out entirely. He imagines himself with no place to go, a family that doesn’t love him anymore, friends that think he’s a freak, and nothing he could do about it.  It feels like he’s dying, he can’t seem to get enough oxygen to his lungs. He barely notices that his hands have curled into fists so tightly his nails are drawing blood.

 

The sensation passes, eventually, with forcefully slowed breaths and muffled whimpers, and he notices that he had started crying at some point, because his checks are wet and his eyes and too blurry to read the clock. Rubbing away the tears he noticies with surprise that…  **_that_ ** had gone on for probably around 10 minutes. It had felt like hours and seconds at the same time. 

 

He’ll research it tomorrow, he decides, slipping out of his room to get a class of water on shaking legs, trying to be as quiet as possible. The last thing he needs right his is for his parents to ask questions. Even if he did somehow evade answering them he’s still noticeably been crying, something that would probably upset his dad to even consider. Boys don’t cry, something every guy has probably heard in their life at least once. 

_ Yeah well boys also don’t have weird death attacks after finding out they’re bisexual.  _ He thought taking a large gulp of water and trying to suppress the urge to cough. At least it was Friday. Thank god for the miracle of Saturdays and the concept of sleeping in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can pry Jonah being autistic out of my cold dead hands. If you're wondering why I amped up his "oblivousness" in this that's why. Also Jonah's thoughts are a lot more organized than Cyrus' which is kinda on purpose because Cyrus is just a disaster.  
> Jonah doesn't have any internalized homophobia, unlike Cyrus, because his family isn't really religious and he just tends to think stuff sexuality isn't a huge deal and that its the persons own business. He isn't very educated. Notice the stereotype comment.   
> What Jonah said to Andi changed slightly, but I felt like it would break the flow to write it, so use your imagination. He basically said what he said in the show so don't go to wild lmao. 
> 
> Hope you enjoys. Please comment your thoughts!

**Author's Note:**

> You'll notice this is rambly, with sentences being restated. I did that on purpose since people thoughts are normally rather unorganized.  
> Cyrus' own internalized homophobia in no way reflects my own opinions, as I am very much gay, but is instead my recollection of what it felt like to realize I was gay. Sorry if it seems inaccurate, I was a great deal younger than Cyrus when I was going through this personally.  
> This is obviously set back a fair bit in the show, both because I started it quite awhile and because I thought this was a better time to set the story in.  
> I suppose this could be considered a bit of a rant fic. Homophobia is very unfun to go throug, especially if its internalized. My heart goes out to anyone currently dealing with it. I hope they can one day realize there is nothing wrong with them, and that love is never a crime.


End file.
